The werewolf pack in The Twilight Saga: Eclipse. From left to right: Paul, Embry, Jacob, Sam, Jared, Quil, and Leah. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
(WARNING: THE FOLLOWING BLOG POST WILL CONTAIN UNNECESSARY REFERENCES TO 1980S TV SHOWS, UNNECESSARY DRAMA, UNNECESSARY DEATHS, AND IDIOTIC WOLVES. PLEASE READ WITH DISCRETION)
Jacquel: Well, this is it, guys. The LAST Twilight special in this story as well as the final chapter…
Emmett: Oh no!
Bella: Not yet, Emmett! We’re going to be doing the 2-part finale! Uh, why exactly are we doing the 2-part finale to begin with?
Jacquel: I don’t know.
The “I Got Twilighted” Series Finale
“I Got Twilighted” the Wedding, Part 1
a movie written by Jacquel C. on 11/30/2012
rated for mature viewers only
*cue Game of Thrones theme song*
Carlisle: I don’t think you’re going to be able to do it, Father.
Roger: Of course I can, Carlisle! After all, I’m the pastor and I’m doing this wedding whether you like it or not!
Carlisle: But still, I don’t think Jacquelyn likes you very much.
Roger: Why shouldn’t she? You refused to let her marry that wolf boy!
Carlisle: I just wanted to keep her…respectable.
Roger: Yeah right!
Esme: Now, now, you two. I thought we all agreed to be civil about this for Jacquelyn’s sake.
Roger: I am being civil! It’s my son who’s being unreasonable!
Carlisle: I still don’t think he’ll be able to do the wedding.
Alice: I have foreseen him being hit by a car and not being able to see the end of part 1 of the finale.
Roger: Say what?? You better take that back, you crazy!
Alice: Say that again and I’ll break your neck!
Jasper: Calm down, Alice. I’m sure he’s just kidding.
Alice: I hope so too…for his sake.
Jacob: And why have you decided to show up here?
Rebecca: Well, this little boy who Mala and I have adopted doesn’t seem to relate to us at all.
Jacob: And why not?
Mala: Well, I don’t understand this “autism” thing. We try to talk to him, but he would rather spend his time playing with his iPad than talking to us.
Billy: Well, that kind of sounds like the season finale of “St. Elsewhere.”
Jacob: Oh come on, dad! Why’d you have to bring that up? I’m still trying to get over the fact that they killed off the MTM cat!
Rebecca: Well, the cat did die at the same time as the finale.
Jacob: So, why do I have the feeling that this is going to be happening again?
Leah: I don’t know. But now, we’re going to get ready for the La Push Show special.
Jacob: Yeah…and Embry’s taking over the show because he’s marrying Jacquel…why couldn’t it be me?
Leah: You married me, remember?
Jacob: Yeah. That was 3 seasons and a few episodes ago.
Leah: Of course. Now come on, they’re waiting for you at the studio.
(The La Push Show)
Jacob: Live from Washington State, it’s the La Push Show! Here, we have Leah, Seth, Embry, Quil, Colin, Brady, Jared, Paul, Sam, and me, Jacob! (wolves show up as audience cheers) And today is a special episode, as one of our own cast members is getting married! (wedding theme plays as audience cheers) That’s right, folks! Embry Call is getting mariied! (audience cheers) But who is he marrying, you ask? Why, it’s none other than Jacquelyn Cullen! (Jacquel shows up as everyone cheers) So, let’s get ready to start the show!
(at Harry Potter’s house)
James II: Man, I hate these wedding specials! They always bore me to tears!
Albus-Severus: You and me both!
James II: How’s about we watch Annoying Orange?
Lily Luna: NO! Not until we see Jacquel and Embry!
Albus-Severus: OK then.
Jacob: So, how did you propose to her?
Embry: It was right after I took her to see that scary movie and she clung to me the whole time.
Quil: Embry, stop.
Embry: Quil…anyway, did you think I was going to propose to her when I took her to see Skyfall?
Emily: Well, you should have.
Jacob: I see. Now, what shall we do about this unexpected turn of events?
Quil: Bachelor party!!
Paul: He’s right! We throw a bachelor party for Embry!
Embry: But we will not be getting drunk and making out with random girls.
Jared: Edward, you stupid prude!
Sam: I know! Can you believe that guy? He wouldn’t even let us have any fun at his bachelor party!
Paul: Talk about being cool and not letting us make him get drunk and make out with random girls? What kind of parents raised him?
Edward: I heard that!
Quil: And I suppose that Jacquel’s not getting drunk and making out with random guys, isn’t she? (Jacquel slaps him) OW! Hey! What’d I say?
Jacquel: Are you freaking nuts, Quil? I’m not going to get drunk and make out with random guys! You wolves are still so freaking horny!
Paul: Only for you.
Harry: Hey, what are you kids watching?
Albus-Severus: The La Push Show.
Lily Luna: The one where Jacquel’s marrying Embry.
Harry: I see. Well, pack your bags, kids! We’re off to Seattle!
James II: Why?
Harry: Because she’s making a huge mistake! I’m going to stop the wedding and get her to remember that she loves me.
Albus-Severus: Something tells me that this isn’t going to go right…
(Embry’s bachelor party)
Emmett: And we like to dedicate this song to this guy, who’s getting married this week! (everyone cheers. Embry glares at him)
Jasper: I would appreciate it if you didn’t air out his dirty laundry.
Emmett: Awww, come on, Jas! Or else they’ll see me rape you!
Jasper: You would dare!
Emmett: I would!
Embry: That’s enough, guys! You’re ruining my special night!
(at Jacquel’s bachelorette party)
Jacquel: Well, they could do a bit better with the entertainment, you know.
Alice: I agree. Let’s kick this up a notch!
Bella: Look, here comes some dancers! (just then, some dancers show up and begin to dance for the girls)
Jacquel: I don’t like this, girls. This reminds me of my old bachelorette party.
Leah: What happened at your old bachelorette party?
Young Jacquel: Hermione, are you sure you picked the right club?
Young Hermione: Of course I did, Jacquel! You always said that you cared about the less fortunate people!
Young Jacquel: But I never said that they should be dancing for cash! It’s stupid, pointless, and barbaric! I want to go home!
Young Hermione: Oh come on, Jacquel! Really?
Young Jacquel: This is what Nichollo warned me about when he said that some people I feel sorry for don’t live good lives!
Jacquel: Well, I saw to it that Hermione would never throw another party for me again.
Rosalie: Sounds like this Hermione person needs a serious lesson in respect and whatnot.
(in Forks, where Roger is causing trouble for gay couples)
Carlisle: Father, would it kill you to stop causing trouble for everyone?
Roger: But Carlisle! These people don’t think our Jacquelyn should be allowed to marry if they themselves can’t get married! It’s a matter of principle!
Carlisle: But still, can you tone it down a bit? Society itself is already coming down on gay people, so don’t throw religion into the mix!
Roger: Hah! What do you know?
Carlisle: All I’m saying is, would it kill you just to be…you know…nice?
Roger: You think it’s going to kill me if I was being nice to someone? You know nothing, Carlisle Cullen!
Carlisle: I do know something! What I’m trying to say is that…(just then, a car runs them both over) Ow. Something just tried to squish me!
Roger: Of course it can’t squish you! You’re a vampire!
Carlisle: Indeed. (notices Roger’s injuries) Oh my God, you’re hurt!
Roger: T’is but a scratch!
Carlisle: A scratch, Father? Really? You’re badly hurt!
Roger: And you’re not even hurt at all!
Carlisle: That’s because you’re human and I’m not. Now, let’s get you to the hospital.
(in the car)
James II: Dad, you just ran over someone!
Harry: I what?
James II: Didn’t you hear me? You just ran over someone!
Harry: Oh my God!
Albus-Severus and Lily Luna: Turn around and make sure they’re OK!
Harry: All right! (just then a police car pulls up behind the car) Oh crap. Busted by the cops. Pay it cool, Harry Potter. Play it cool.
Charlie: You’re under arrest for a hit and run.
James II: What’s that?
Charlie: He ran over two people and drove off.
James II: Oh.
Lily Luna: Will dad have to go to jail?
Harry: Who knows?
Charlie: I think I do. Now, out of the car, bucky. And you better pray that the old man is still alive, as his son is a very prominent doctor who has a powerful lawyer, and the lawyer will rip you apart.
(at the hospital)
Esme: I can’t believe your father was hit by a car.
Carlisle: I can’t believe I never got a scratch on me. I guess we’re back to being vampires.
Esme: Good, because I was beginning to miss it.
Carlisle: I know. Now we better tell the kids.
Edward: I can’t believe this! Who would want to hurt grandpa?
Emmett: Tell me who did it and I’ll beat them to a pulp!
Jacquel: I think I know who might have done it…(she leaves)
Alice: I knew something bad was going to happen to him. I just knew it!
Bella: Don’t worry, Alice. I’m sure that with today’s advance in medicine, Carlisle’s father will get better…somehow.
(A few hours later. The entire Cullen family is gathered in Roger’s room)
Doctor: I hate to break this to you, Carlisle, but I think that your father isn’t going to…make it…
Doctor: I suggest that you all say your goodbyes now. (he leaves. children burst into tears)
Roger: Oh quit your blubbering, you little rugrats! We all gotta face the great big curtain sometime!
Emmett: But grandpa, you can’t just leave us like this! It’s not fair.
Jacquel: Yeah, and you also haven’t apologized for the way you acted during the season 1 Christmas special.
Roger: Do I have to?
Roger: Not in this life! Hah! You’re all gone back to being vampires, so I don’t have to apologize to any of you demons! Hahahahahaha!
Edward: Oh god!
Bree: I can’t believe that he’s…dying! This is so unfair!
Roger: Like is unfair, little vampire. Get used to it! It’s not fair that you all get to live long happy lives and I don’t! What did I ever do wrong?
Edward: Maybe if you weren’t such a jerkface, then we’d care.
Carlisle: Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, you apologize to your grandfather right now!
Roger: No, Carlisle. He’s right. Your whole life, I was nothing more than a jerk. But when I lost you, it was just as if the fire went out of my life. You should have been the thing that I treasured more than life itself and I was a fool to ignore it.
Carlisle: Well, I never really knew that at all. I guess I didn’t know the real you.
Jacquel: Well, I did write that story about when you died and your father giving up on life because he lost his only son. So there you have it.
Carlisle: I see.
Roger: Now you understand.
Bella: Well, I don’t know much about bereavement, but you’re going through the three stages of parental bereavement.
All: Such as…
Bella: #1, you’re upset because you never cleared up anything with your parents.
Roger: Uh, that already happened.
Bella: #2, you try to make amends.
Roger: Well, it’s a little late for that, so what’s number three?
Jacquel: Your final confession: you really do love Carlisle.
Roger: Yes, I most certainly…wait, WHAT???
Embry: Maybe you reworded that wrong.
Roger: You little witch! I never said that I was “in love” with Carlisle!
Seth: Yeah. That’s kind of gross, man.
Roger: Well, I never did say how much I loved him.
All: Why not?
Roger: Well, in those days, love wasn’t something that you can buy in a store. It had some come from within. I will admit that he and I clashed over various things, but who hasn’t fought with their parents at some point in their lives?
Edward: Well, at some point in my life, I did kind of rebelled against Carlisle’s teachings and ate people. (everyone gasps)
Roger: And why did you do that?
Edward: I thought maybe if I went after the worst scum in the world, the world would be a better place. But I wasn’t happy. I eventually returned home.
Roger: Just like the prodigal son. Now, what have we learned today?
Carlisle: It’s OK, Father. I forgive everything and I love you.
Roger: There are some things that you really need to hear, but I don’t have enough time to say them. Perhaps if I could just sa—(just then, the machine flatlines. everyone stares at Roger. Carlisle stares at everyone for a few moments, but then he realizes that his father is dead. He breaks down and begins crying)
Renesmee: Mom? Is he…you know…dead? (Bella nods her head) Oh.
Jacquel: How sad is it that we don’t have the time to say what really needs to be said. (Embry hugs her. The entire Cullen family all start crying, knowing that Roger Cullen was dead.)
(At the police station. Harry is in a holding cell while James II, Albus-Severus, and Lily Luna are in the waiting area. They are on the La Push Show website)
Albus-Severus: Well, this is sad.
Albus-Severus: Carlisle Cullen’s father is dead. (everyone groans. Jacquel shows up)
Jacquel: Where is the man who killed Roger Cullen? I’m here to kick his butt.
Jacquel: Because Carlisle’s father is dead, that’s why! (sees Harry) I knew it was too good to be true! *YOU* killed Carlisle’s father because you couldn’t handle the news that I was getting married to someone who really loves me!
Harry: But Jacquel…
Jacquel: Oh, shut up, Harry! You knew that this day would happen! Now I’m going to make sure that you wish you were never born!
Random criminal: Yeah, way to go, bub! You killed the doctor’s dad! How are you gonna live with yourself?
Jacquel: He won’t, because I’m going to kill him! He ruined everything! And thanks to him…THERE IS NO WEDDING!!!
To be continued…