Tilda Swinton as Jadis, the White Witch. Her collar is made from Aslan’s mane, taken during his sacrifice. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
(the following is a parody of the A-Team)
Announcer: In the year 2010, four demigods were sent to prison for a crime that they didn’t commit. After breaking out of jail, they went underground, where they began their new lives as soldiers of fortune. Still on the run today, they reach out to anyone who needs help. If you have a problem, if there’s no one else who can help you, if you can find them, then you can call…the Demigod Team! (A-Team theme plays)
Percy: OK, so it’s decided. We go after the “A” Team.
Grover: Yeah. They have pushed us around long enough. Let’s get them!
Thalia: What about me? Do I have a say in this?
Annabeth: Well, technically, this is the “A-Team“, and we usually solve problems that not even the police can solve.
Luke: We have a problem in Narnia.
Annabeth: Such as…
Luke: A group of kids wants us to help them stop a white witch.
Percy: OK then. I say we head off to Narnia!
Peter: Thanks for coming, Demigod Team. We really needed your help. The White Witch wants to make it so that it’s always winter and never Christmas.
Grover: What is she? A grinch?
Percy: Don’t worry, we’ll solve this problem. Surely there has to be a good reason why she hates Christmas.
Annabeth: So, tell us why you hate Christmas.
Jadis: Well, it all began on my wedding day, when everything was great. That was, until my husband walked away from me.
Thalia: Ouch. That’s cold.
Jadis: Ever since that day, I’ve not been very happy. And since Christmas just happened to be our wedding anniversary, I’ve decided to get rid of Christmas.
Annabeth: Wow. How sad.
Thalia: I say we go after the husband and see what his deal is.
Percy: So, you and this woman got married and for some reason, things cooled off between you two?
Aslan: Well, we did fight a lot, especially over some rather unnecessary things, such as visiting the in-laws and magic, stuff like that. I must have hurt her a lot to make her hate Christmas.
Grover: What a douche.
Grover: I was just saying that he didn’t need to fight with her so much. You know what they say, the women are always right.
Luke: And the sooner men accept that, the better.
Edmund: You guys won’t believe this, but Aslan and the White Witch were once married.
Peter: That’s interesting.
Susan: So what happened?
Edmund: They’re not talking to each other right now.
Peter: That’s sad. We need to fix this.
Percy: OK here’s the plan: We bring them to a neutral setting and have them talk it out.
Susan: Will it work?
Grover: Of course it’s going to work. We’re the Demigod Team. We know how to make things work. (Aslan shows up)
Aslan: This better be good, kids.
Annabeth: You just need to talk to her.
Edmund: This idea is ridiculous! She doesn’t want to talk to him! (Jadis shows up)
Jadis: Oh, is that so? (glares at Aslan) You have some nerve coming here.
Aslan: What about you? (they argue)
Annabeth: Darn. This could take a while.
(For the next few hours, they argue while the kids watch. Finally, Edmund has had enough of the fighting.)
Edmund: WILL YOU TWO CLAM UP??? (Everyone stares at him) Why are you guys fighting? Don’t you love each other?
Lucy: You shouldn’t be fighting, that’s not right. Maybe instead of this war, you should kiss and make up.
Jadis: Should we?
Aslan: Well, I suppose I could pay more attention to her emotional needs. Women have needs that must be met, and if the man doesn’t meet his wife’s needs, then there’s no point in being married.
Jadis: Well, I kind of forgot why we were fighting in the first place, and this is what happens if you keep fighting without reaching a compromise.
Lucy: We did it! Thanks, Demigod Team!
Aslan: Not so fast, you guys! (everyone freezes) First, you have to do something for me.
Percy: Say what now?
Jadis: Part of the deal, kid. You helped us, now you must do something for us.
Percy: But this is the part where the show ends and I say, “I love it when a plan comes together!”
Everyone: Sure you do, Percy.